Dear Natalie
by paulmcuk
Summary: Just about the whole Sports Night crew are having relationship problems - as usual. They turn to Natalie, who freely and rashly dispenses her words of wisdom to those in need. The resulting scattered wreckage of relationships can be seen from Pluto.


"Natalie, can I ask your advice about something?" Kim and Natalie were sharing a breakfast of coffee and muffins.  
  
"Sure Kim."  
  
"It's kinda personal."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Actually, I guess it's real personal."  
  
Natalie frowned. "Do you want my permission to date Jeremy?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Good." She said before adding hurriedly, "Although if you did, you could have it."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Oh yeah. I'd have no problems at all with you dating Jeremy."  
  
"I'll bear that in mind. But right now I have no plans to date Jeremy."  
  
"Because I'm completely over him."  
  
"This is apparent."  
  
"You think so?"  
  
Kim nodded. "Your very demeanour declares to the world that you are over him."  
  
"That was the look I was aiming for."  
  
"But I still don't want to date him."  
  
"Why, is he seeing someone else?"  
  
"Not that I'm aware of."  
  
"Because you will tell me won't you? If he's seeing someone else."  
  
"Of course I'll tell you."  
  
"Not that it bothers me you understand."  
  
"Of course."  
  
"I just like to be kept informed."  
  
"I understand."  
  
"That's good. Now what did you want to ask me?"  
  
Kim paused before speaking. "You've had boyfriends right Natalie? Before Jeremy I mean."  
  
"Yes Kim, I've had boyfriends."  
  
"Was it a lot?"  
  
Natalie gave her a look. "Define 'a lot'."  
  
"More than ten?"  
  
Natalie frowned. "Are we including teenage, never got further than third base, type boyfriends?"  
  
"No."  
  
"More than five" said Natalie.  
  
Kim shrugged. "Good enough." She leant forward. "How long should you wait?"  
  
"For a bus?"  
  
"No."  
  
"For Godo?"  
  
"Natalie!"  
  
"Are you talking about sex?"  
  
Kim nodded. "How long should you wait before having sex?"  
  
Natalie thought for a moment. "I guess it depends. How long do you usually wait?"  
  
"Five, maybe six."  
  
"Dates?"  
  
"Hours."  
  
"Five or six hours?"  
  
Kim shrugged. "It depends how long the cab ride is back to the apartment."  
  
"Jesus Kim."  
  
"You think that's too short?"  
  
"It's not for me to say."  
  
"How long do you wait?"  
  
"Like I said, it depends."  
  
"Give me a ball-park figure."  
  
"I never did it in a ball-park."  
  
Kim grinned. "Just answer the damn question."  
  
"Let's just say, not usually on the first date."  
  
"Don't the guys want it on the first date?"  
  
"Sure they do. But they can want all they want."  
  
"Don't you want it?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
Kim looked puzzled. "So why wait?"  
  
"Because, if they're prepared to wait a while it shows they want it from me, not just anybody they can find."  
  
Kim frowned. "I never thought of it like that."  
  
"Each to their own. Why are you asking me anyway?"  
  
"Because I'm dating this guy."  
  
"There's a surprise."  
  
Kim ignored her. "His name is Damien...."  
  
"That sounds like an omen."  
  
Kim rolled her eyes. "Don't think you're the first Natalie."  
  
"I'm not?" Natalie replied with mock dismay.  
  
"He's had to live with it for about the past twenty years."  
  
"Sorry, carry on."  
  
"So, we've been going out for five weeks now....."  
  
"Is this a record?" Kim gave her a hard stare. "Sorry."  
  
"....and we've been having a really good time."  
  
"Sounds great so far" said Natalie. "What's the problem?"  
  
"The problem is, we haven't done it yet."  
  
"Done what?"  
  
"IT."  
  
"Oh, IT. You haven't? Why so shy all of a sudden?"  
  
"It's not me" declared Kim, "it's him. He hasn't even tried."  
  
"Not even a little bit?"  
  
Kim shook her head. "I invite him up for coffee after every date and you know what he does?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"He drinks coffee."  
  
"The swine."  
  
"Oh, I suppose you think it's sweet."  
  
Natalie grinned and nodded. "It is sweet. And romantic."  
  
"I know that" said Kim. "But can't I have romance and sex?"  
  
"No reason why not."  
  
"Except he won't."  
  
"Maybe he's shy."  
  
"Even shy guys have sex Natalie." She shook her head. "What should I do?"  
  
"You're asking me how to get a guy to have sex with you?"  
  
Kim shrugged. "I thought you might have a new angle."  
  
"I've tried several angles in my time" grinned Natalie, "but I doubt any of them are new to you."  
  
Kim laughed. "Ok, a new point of view then." She frowned. "God, why does absolutely everything sound like a double entendre when you're talking about sex. Anyway, you know what I mean."  
  
"I know what you mean." Natalie thought for a moment. "You say he hasn't tried?" Kim just nodded.  
  
"Ok. So have you tried?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Have you taken the initiative to instigate the act of sexual congress?"  
  
"Are you asking if I jumped him?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I don't ask for sex Natalie, that's the guy's job."  
  
"Even if you want it?"  
  
"Especially if I want it."  
  
"Kim, it's the twenty first century. We're allowed to make the move if we want to."  
  
"I know I'm allowed to" said Kim. "I just don't. It's a matter of principle."  
  
"What principle."  
  
"The principle that he has to want me more than I want him. It puts me in a position of power."  
  
"That's your principle?"  
  
"It's served me well all these years."  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Well then there's only one thing you can do."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Dump him."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Give him the old heave-ho."  
  
Kim stared at her. "That's your advice? Dump him?"  
  
Natalie nodded. "Pretty much."  
  
"I don't like this advice."  
  
"Sorry, no refunds."  
  
"Exchange then. Give me some other advice."  
  
"You don't want to dump him?"  
  
"No" said Kim. "I really like him."  
  
"How much do you like him?"  
  
"A lot."  
  
Natalie gave her a quizzical look. "Are you in love?"  
  
"No!" declared Kim.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
Kim looked down. "No." She looked up again. "He's just different from the other guys, you know? He's nice, and kind and......"  
  
"Impotent."  
  
"He's not impotent! He just......needs a little coaxing."  
  
"So coax him."  
  
"I tried....a little."  
  
"Try harder. Throw yourself at him. Tell him you want it, and you want it now."  
  
Kim looked unsure. "Is there anyway I can do that and still stick to my principle?"  
  
"Maybe if you're really subtle."  
  
Kim sighed. "Ok, the principle has to go. How do you suggest I do it?"  
  
Natalie smiled. "Next time you give him coffee, serve it up naked."  
  
"I like it" said Kim with a grin. Then she frowned. "What if he panics?"  
  
"You think he might make a run for it?"  
  
"It's possible. What do I do then?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Sack him."  
  
"Good morning Isaac."  
  
"Hello Natalie."  
  
"I brought you a cup of coffee and a croissant."  
  
"That's very kind of you."  
  
She shook her head. "No. It would be very kind of somebody else. With me it's just normal."  
  
Isaac smiled. "Sit down" he said as she set the items down on his desk. "You can watch me eat."  
  
As she did so Natalie noticed something new on Isaac's desk. "Wow" she said.  
  
Isaac noted what she was looking at. "It is rather nice isn't it?"  
  
"Very. Is it antique?"  
  
"It is. It's a mid-eighteenth century Swiss carriage clock."  
  
"That's what I thought" said Natalie.  
  
"You thought it was an eighteenth century Swiss carriage clock?"  
  
"Well I thought it was a clock."  
  
Isaac smiled. "More than a clock. It's hand-crafted, solid brass, with gold- plating and pearl inlaid face. And one of the earliest examples of a timepiece with a precision, rotary-pendulum, movement."  
  
"Impressive" said Natalie. "Does it work?"  
  
"Of course it works. They built things to last in those days."  
  
"Expensive?"  
  
"Very."  
  
Natalie looked at the clock for a moment. "Isn't it just a touch gaudy for a desk ornament though?"  
  
"I didn't bring it here to decorate my desk" said Isaac.  
  
"You didn't?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Can I have it on my desk then?"  
  
Isaac shook his head. "I didn't bring it here to decorate anybody's desk. I brought it here to get it out of my house."  
  
"You don't want it in your house?"  
  
"No."  
  
Natalie looked at the clock warily. "Is it cursed?"  
  
"I'm starting to think so."  
  
Natalie frowned. "Why?"  
  
"Because Esther saw it."  
  
Natalie paused. "Okaaaay. And that's a bad thing because?"  
  
"Because she wasn't supposed to see it."  
  
"But why.....? Oh, of course! It's your anniversary tomorrow." She looked at him approvingly. "Great gift Isaac."  
  
"It is a great gift" agreed Isaac. "Unfortunately, it's not for Esther."  
  
"Ah."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"And she thinks it is?"  
  
Isaac nodded. "She does now."  
  
"Oh dear."  
  
Isaac looked at her. "Actually that's sort of why I asked you to sit down. I was wondering if you could help me decide what I should do about it."  
  
Natalie blinked. "Are you asking my advice?"  
  
"Not so loud."  
  
"Don't we have this the wrong way round?"  
  
"He who never asks for advice cannot be called truly wise."  
  
"Did Confucius say that?"  
  
"No, I did. But it's the sort of thing he might have said."  
  
Natalie nodded. "You're alike in so many ways."  
  
"You're not the first to say so. Now what do I do?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Give her the clock."  
  
"The clock's for someone else."  
  
"Has someone else seen it?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then give someone else something else."  
  
"I can't."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because the clock has a special meaning for someone else."  
  
"What special meaning?"  
  
"It used to belong to their family but they had to sell it in the twenties when they fell on hard times."  
  
"The exact same clock?"  
  
Isaac nodded. "The exact same clock."  
  
"I guess that qualifies as a special meaning."  
  
"I thought so."  
  
Natalie frowned. "I think this might be easier if I knew who the someone else was."  
  
"It might. But I'm not telling you."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It's personal."  
  
"Does Esther know?"  
  
"If Esther knew I wouldn't have a problem."  
  
Natalie shook her head. "How can you be married as long as you have and be buying expensive gifts for someone your wife doesn't even know. If you were my husband I'd think you were having an......." She stared at him. "Oh my God."  
  
"It's not what you think Natalie."  
  
"You have another woman!"  
  
"No I do not."  
  
"You do."  
  
"I don't."  
  
"You don't?"  
  
"No" said Isaac firmly. "She's just a friend."  
  
"A friend?"  
  
Isaac nodded. "A friend."  
  
"A friend that Esther doesn't know about."  
  
"I thought it best not to tell her."  
  
"Why not? If she's just a friend."  
  
"Esther wouldn't understand."  
  
"I'm with Esther." said Natalie suspiciously.  
  
"Natalie, I am not having an affair. What happened between Stella and I was a long time ago, before I married Esther."  
  
"She's an old girlfriend?"  
  
"My first."  
  
"First girlfriend?"  
  
"First everything."  
  
"And you stayed in touch?"  
  
Isaac nodded.  
  
"And Esther never knew about her?"  
  
"Oh Esther knows Stella" said Isaac.  
  
Natalie frowned. "But you said...."  
  
"Esther just doesn't know I kept in touch with her."  
  
"How does she know her?"  
  
"Back in the old days Esther and Stella were good friends. Till they fell out."  
  
"What did they fall out over?"  
  
"Me."  
  
"You!"  
  
"They were....rivals...for my affection."  
  
Natalie grinned. "You old dog Isaac."  
  
"I didn't date them both at the same time" he insisted. "They both liked me, I knew that, and I was in the happy position of being able to choose."  
  
"And you chose Esther."  
  
"I didn't date Esther till two years later."  
  
"You chose Stella?"  
  
"I did."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Isaac shrugged. "She put out."  
  
Natalie shook her head sadly. "Looks like romance died out earlier than was previously thought."  
  
"Men were still men Natalie, even back then."  
  
Natalie nodded. "Sadly. So what happened?"  
  
"We broke up after six months. Then I spent the next year and a half trying to build bridges with Esther."  
  
"That must have been a long bridge."  
  
"It was. Stella's was even longer....but it still didn't reach. Esther never forgave her."  
  
"That's sad."  
  
"So now you understand why Esther can't know I kept in touch with Stella."  
  
Natalie fixed him with a stare. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that you haven't.....since you were married."  
  
"What do you take me for?"  
  
"A man."  
  
"That's harsh."  
  
"Based on experience Isaac. Now tell me."  
  
Isaac sighed. "I haven't.......since I got married."  
  
Natalie frowned. "Not even with Esther?"  
  
"Yes Natalie, with Esther, but nobody else."  
  
Natalie was satisfied. "Well I'm glad to hear it." She got up and started to leave.  
  
"Natalie?"  
  
She turned. "Yes?"  
  
"Weren't you going to advise me what to do about the clock?"  
  
Natalie slapped her forehead. "Oh yeah, the story got so juicy I forgot how it started."  
  
"I'm glad one of us is entertained."  
  
Natalie sat back down again. "Ok. You can't give Esther the clock, and you can't tell her who it's really for."  
  
"That pretty much sums it up."  
  
"Then.....tell her it's for somebody else."  
  
"Who? My friends are all her friends." he paused. "Apart from Stella."  
  
Natalie thought for a moment. "How about saying it's for someone at work? A  
  
retirement gift."  
  
"A retirement gift?"  
  
"Clocks are traditional retirement gifts."  
  
"Clocks are traditional. Hand-crafted, solid brass, Swiss, mid-eighteenth century carriage clocks with gold-plating and a pearl inlaid face, are not."  
  
"You forgot the precision, rotary-pendulum, movement."  
  
"I thought the point was made well enough without it."  
  
"You don't think Esther would buy it?"  
  
"Esther couldn't afford it."  
  
"I meant the story."  
  
Isaac shook his head. "Esther knows most of the people here. Even if I sold her on the story, there's a good chance she'd find out it was false."  
  
Natalie nodded. Then she looked up. "Hey, I've got it."  
  
"You have?"  
  
"It's obvious."  
  
"It is?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Isaac waited for her to continue but she didn't. "Would you care to make it a little more obvious?"  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes. "Get another clock. They can both have one." She sat back with a self-satisfied smile.  
  
"That's a good idea Natalie."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Except for one thing."  
  
Natalie frowned. "What's that?"  
  
"It's a Swiss, hand-crafted, solid brass, mid-eighteenth century carriage clock with gold-plating and pearl inlaid face."  
  
"Rare?"  
  
Isaac nodded. "Very. Especially the ones with the precision, rotary- pendulum, movement."  
  
"Maybe you should go to Switzerland."  
  
"I think the manufacturer may have gone out of business."  
  
Natalie shook her head. "No, I meant just go to Switzerland. You'll probably be safe there."  
  
"Have you a sensible suggestion?"  
  
She shrugged. "Stage a break in?"  
  
"I think not."  
  
"Well you could say.....yeah....say it was faulty and you took it back to the store."  
  
Isaac looked at her. "That has possibilities."  
  
"And then you could buy her something really nice and say you got it in exchange." Isaac nodded. "I know just the thing. The same store had a set of Louis XV crystal goblets. Esther would love those." He smiled at her. "I think you just solved my problem."  
  
Natalie smiled back. "Would this be a good time to ask for a raise?"  
  
"Ask me again when I've pulled it off."  
  
"Count on it." She got up to leave again but paused at the door. "Isaac?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Just out of interest. What were you going to buy Esther for your anniversary, before the goblets?"  
  
Isaac looked sheepish. He mumbled something Natalie couldn't hear.  
  
"I didn't quite catch that."  
  
"A foot spa."  
  
"A foot spa?"  
  
"It's a very nice foot spa" said Isaac defensively. "It has a microchip in it."  
  
"Where have you been?" asked Dana.  
  
"Talking to Isaac." She grinned. "Did you miss me?"  
  
"I just wanted to talk to you."  
  
"Here I am. Talk away."  
  
"In my office."  
  
"Ok. But I'm all out of coffee and croissants."  
  
"So what's so important we couldn't discuss it at my desk?" asked Natalie when they were both seated on the couch in Dana's office.  
  
"I wanted some privacy."  
  
Natalie looked around. "You got it. Apart from me."  
  
"You I need."  
  
"Ok, shoot."  
  
Dana took a deep breath. "I want your advice."  
  
"Seems to be my day for it. What about?"  
  
"Casey."  
  
"Casey?"  
  
"Yes, Casey."  
  
"Casey McCall?"  
  
"Do we know another Casey?"  
  
"I was just checking."  
  
"Consider it checked."  
  
"Are you seriously asking me for advice about Casey?"  
  
Dana nodded. "Is there a reason why I shouldn't?"  
  
Natalie laughed. "Dana, how many times have I tried to give you advice about Casey?"  
  
"Two hundred and thirty two thousand, five hundred and seventeen. Give or take."  
  
"And how many times did you accept the offer?"  
  
"None."  
  
"In fact, how many times did you tell me, in one form or another, to go wash my head in a bucket?"  
  
"Most of them I think."  
  
"So don't you think it's a little incongruous for you to be asking my advice now?"  
  
"Incongruous?"  
  
"I'm expanding my vocabulary."  
  
"Ok. But no, I don't think it's incongruous."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because this time the advice is on my terms."  
  
"Your terms?"  
  
"Yes. Normally you come bouncing up to me like Tigger on acid and start telling me how dumb I'm being in my relationship with Casey. Then, without pausing for breath, you proceed to tell me what you think I should do about it."  
  
"And you tell me to go wash my head in a bucket."  
  
"I just don't like being pressured."  
  
"Ok. And now?"  
  
"Now it's different. This time I have taken the decision to consult you for your opinion regarding the optimum course of action to take vis-a-vis the Casey situation."  
  
"Making it sound like a board meeting doesn't change the fact that you're asking for my advice."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Although after the dating plan debacle I'm amazed you didn't come crawling to me sooner."  
  
"I'm not crawling."  
  
"Ok. Should I leave then?"  
  
"No."  
  
Natalie smiled. "Tell me your problem."  
  
"My problem is Casey."  
  
"Could you be a little more specific?"  
  
Dana shrugged. "I want him."  
  
"This is not news."  
  
"I know. But how do I get him?"  
  
Natalie grinned. "Just ask him."  
  
"I tried that remember? He said no."  
  
"Ahh" said Natalie dismissively, "he was just getting his own back for the whole dating plan thing."  
  
"It was still a no."  
  
"Next time it'll be a yes."  
  
"I don't want there to be a next time."  
  
Natalie frowned. "But you said...."  
  
"I said I wanted him. That doesn't mean I'm going to do the asking again. Casey had his chance and he chose to embarrass me."  
  
"So what do you want?"  
  
"I want him to ask me."  
  
Natalie thought about it. "You could ask him to ask you."  
  
"That might kind of defeat the object."  
  
"Ok then, I could ask him to ask you."  
  
Dana shook her head. "He'd know I asked you to ask him to ask me."  
  
Natalie nodded. "And he'd know you asked me to ask him to ask you because you couldn't ask him yourself, or ask him to ask you yourself."  
  
Dana took a second to worked this out. "Exactly. Besides, I want it to be his idea to ask me."  
  
"I'm sure if you wait around long enough he'll get the idea."  
  
"I don't want to wait around. I want him to get the idea now."  
  
"So what you need is a way to make him get the idea to ask you out without realizing that it was your idea to make him get the idea."  
  
Dana nodded. "Any ideas?"  
  
"You could try seducing him."  
  
Dana frowned. "Wouldn't that seem like my idea?"  
  
"Not if you're subtle."  
  
"I don't know if I can do seduction subtly. When I set out to seduce, the guy pretty much knows about it."  
  
"I'm not talking about getting him into bed Dana."  
  
Dana smiled. "I am."  
  
"Ok, eventually. But when I say seduce him, I just mean to give out the signals that A, makes him want you, and B, lets him know his advances won't be rebuffed."  
  
"Sounds good" said Dana. "Any suggestions?"  
  
"You want suggestions on subtle seduction?"  
  
"Well, subtle seduction was your suggestion."  
  
Natalie sighed. "Ok. Well you can start by being more attentive."  
  
"Attentive?"  
  
Natalie nodded. "Listen to what he says. Don't contradict him the whole time."  
  
"I only contradict him when he's wrong."  
  
"You do it all the time Dana."  
  
Dana shrugged. "Can I help it if he's always wrong?"  
  
"Just, bite your tongue" said Natalie. "If you want Casey to be biting it later."  
  
"I guess I can do that. What else?"  
  
"Compliment him."  
  
"I do compliment him."  
  
Natalie raised her eyebrows. "When was the last time?"  
  
"Yesterday. I told him he'd had a great show."  
  
"You said the same to Dan."  
  
"He had a great show too."  
  
"Dana, saying 'Great show guys' is not complimenting Casey."  
  
"It isn't?"  
  
"Not how I mean. You should compliment him on his clothes, his hair, his ideas. You should laugh at his jokes."  
  
Dana frowned. "I don't think I could pull that off convincingly."  
  
"Sure you can. Guys love compliments. And because they always think they deserve them, they don't notice if there's a lack of sincerity."  
  
Dana nodded. "That's true. What else?"  
  
"Just the usual stuff. Make lots of eye contact. And dress sexy."  
  
"I do dress sexy."  
  
"Not for him. If you dress sexy, and make eye contact, he knows it's for him."  
  
Dana looked doubtful. "Is all this going to make Casey ask me out?"  
  
"Not on it's own" said Natalie. "All that is just the primer. It gives him the motive. Next you have to give him the opportunity."  
  
"What kind of opportunity?"  
  
"You need to get him alone someplace, away from the station."  
  
"Like where?"  
  
Natalie thought about it. "A restaurant. Invite him for dinner."  
  
Dana shook her head. "Too obvious."  
  
"Lunch then. Lunch is pretty neutral."  
  
"Better" said Dana. "But what would be my reason for asking him for lunch?"  
  
"Hunger?"  
  
"Not good enough. I need a pretext."  
  
"Ok, say there's a work problem you need to discuss with him."  
  
"What kind of problem?"  
  
"I don't know. There must be all kinds of problems."  
  
"There are" agreed Dana. "And I discuss them with Isaac, or with you. I don't discuss them with Casey."  
  
"There must be something you would discuss with Casey. Something to do with the presentation?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like......like you want to change it. Say you want to have Casey and Dan standing up instead of sitting down."  
  
Dana looked at her. "Standing up?"  
  
"It's been done" said Natalie. "Some channels have their newsreaders standing up."  
  
"I know. It looks stupid. And anyway, that's something I would discuss with Casey and Dan, not just Casey."  
  
Natalie sighed. "Ok then say that Dan's the problem."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Tell Casey you're worried that Dan might be losing it."  
  
"But he's not."  
  
"I know that."  
  
"So why would I think he is?"  
  
"He's been seeing a shrink."  
  
"On that basis half the city is losing it. Besides" she added, "Casey would never buy it. It needs to be a real problem." She looked at Natalie. "Does Dan have a real problem?"  
  
"Aside from the fact that he can't seem to find a woman who deserves him, no." She looked up. "Maybe that will do. Tell Casey you're worried about Dan's single status and you want Casey to find him a girl."  
  
"I want Casey to find him a girl?"  
  
"Sure. Out of his little black book."  
  
"Natalie. Casey has two names in his little black book. Mine, and his ex- wife's."  
  
"And Sally's."  
  
Dana glared at her. "The point is that it's a pretty lame reason to take Casey away for a secluded lunch date."  
  
"It doesn't matter" said Natalie. "It's just a pretext. You can let Casey make some non-committal type noises about how he'll see what he can do, and then enjoy your lunch."  
  
"And he'll ask me out at the end of it?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Maybe not the first time. Subtle seduction can be a slow process. But it'll get him back into the habit of being alone with you and enjoying your company. Then you have lunch again. Then he suggests dinner. Then.....bam."  
  
"Bam?"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
Dana smiled. "I guess it's worth a shot."  
  
"You know it makes sense."  
  
"Thanks Natalie."  
  
"Anytime. Can I go do my work now?"  
  
"Go right ahead."  
  
Natalie got up to leave but turned back at the door. "Dana?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do I really bounce around like Tigger on acid?"  
  
"Yes" replied Dana. Then she smiled. "But remember, the most wonderful thing about Natalie is that you're the only one."  
  
"Could you wait a second Natalie" said Casey. Natalie had just deposited a tape on his desk and was about to leave.  
  
"For what?" she asked.  
  
"For a chat."  
  
"Only if it's really important."  
  
"It's personal."  
  
"Good enough" said Natalie sensing gossip. "Personal to whom?"  
  
"To me."  
  
"Ok, let's chat."  
  
"I just wanted to ask your advice."  
  
"You want to ask me for advice?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
She shook her head. "You shouldn't be asking me for advice."  
  
"Shouldn't I?"  
  
"No, you should be asking Dan."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because that's how it works. You have Dan, Dana has me."  
  
"That's not fair."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because Dan gives lousy advice."  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Nothing I can do about that."  
  
"Can't we swap?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Ok. How about I ask Dan, and he asks you."  
  
Natalie thought for a moment. "That could work."  
  
"Great. Now how about we cut out the middle man and I ask you direct?"  
  
"I guess that makes sense. Shoot."  
  
"It's about Dana."  
  
"A subject I'm familiar with."  
  
"I need to know how to ask her out."  
  
Natalie grinned. "Well that's handy."  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
"Never mind. Why do you need my advice? You've asked her out before."  
  
"And she said no."  
  
"So did you."  
  
Casey nodded. "That's my problem. After saying no, how can I now ask her out without looking stupid."  
  
"You want to know how to ask her out without looking stupid?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's hard."  
  
"Why?"  
  
She grinned. "Because you always look stupid."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You walked right into that one."  
  
"The door was marked advice, not abuse. Advise me."  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Just ask her."  
  
"She'll say no."  
  
"Why will she?"  
  
"Because I said no. She'll do it to get revenge."  
  
"I have a feeling she won't."  
  
"Why? Has she said something?"  
  
"Noooo" she lied. "I just have a feeling."  
  
"I can't just walk up to her and ask her."  
  
"Better than shouting it across the room."  
  
"You know what I mean. I just need it to be....right."  
  
Natalie nodded. "You want to wait for the right time."  
  
"That's right. But how will I know if it's the right time?"  
  
"How have you known before?"  
  
"I haven't. Whenever I thought it was the right time it usually turned out to be the wrong time." he looked at her. "How do I know for sure?"  
  
"Wait for a signal."  
  
He stared at her. "Wait for a signal?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's it? Wait? That's your advice? I should have stuck with Dan."  
  
Natalie sighed. "Ok then. Make her want you, make her give you signals."  
  
"How?"  
  
She sighed. "Why am I getting such a sense of deja vu?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"Forget it. Just do the usual stuff. Make sure you look ok, make lots of eye contact."  
  
"She'll tell me to stop staring at her."  
  
"She won't. You can also try being more attentive and considerate. Pay her compliments."  
  
Casey nodded. "I can do that."  
  
"And agree with her."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Everything."  
  
Casey frowned. "That's gonna be hard."  
  
"Try it."  
  
"Ok. Then what?"  
  
She shrugged. "Wait for her to start giving you the signals. Then wait for the opportunity."  
  
"What kind of opportunity?"  
  
"A chance to get her alone someplace, away from the station."  
  
"I can't remember the last time that happened."  
  
She smiled. "Trust me. Do as I say and you won't have to wait too long."  
  
"Hi Natalie."  
  
She looked up. "Hi Elliot."  
  
"I brought you a cup of coffee." He placed the cup on her desk.  
  
She smiled. "Thanks Elliot." Then a thought struck her. "What did you do?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Come on Elliot. The only time you bring me coffee is when you've screwed up and you want me to smooth things over with Dana."  
  
"I haven't screwed up."  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"Ok, so why the coffee?"  
  
"Can't I perform an act of kindness for a friend and colleague who I see is working too hard to fetch her own coffee?"  
  
"You don't usually."  
  
"That's harsh Natalie."  
  
He sounded genuinely offended and Natalie softened. "I'm sorry Elliot. Thank you for the coffee, it was a kind thought."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
Natalie returned to her work but noticed that Elliot was still hovering. "Was there something else?"  
  
"Kind of."  
  
"A cookie?"  
  
"Not a cookie."  
  
Natalie sighed. "What do you want?"  
  
Elliot pulled over a chair and sat down. "Advice."  
  
Natalie slumped forward and started banging her head on the desk.  
  
"Is this a bad time?" asked Elliot.  
  
She pulled herself up again. "Not at all. It's the perfect time. I'm on a roll." She faced him. "What's the problem."  
  
"It's a girl."  
  
"A girl? So the rumors aren't true then?"  
  
Elliot frowned. "What rumors?"  
  
"I'm kidding. So who is she? I didn't know you were seeing anyone?"  
  
"I'm not."  
  
Natalie nodded sagely. "And you want me to tell you how to win her heart."  
  
"Not exactly."  
  
"Not exactly? Then what exactly?"  
  
"I want you to tell me how to get rid of her.""  
  
Natalie blinked. "Get rid of her?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'm not going to tell you how to dump your girlfriend Elliot."  
  
"I told you, she's not my girlfriend."  
  
"Great. Problem solved."  
  
"No it's not" he insisted. "She won't leave me alone."  
  
"And you're complaining?"  
  
"Damn right I'm complaining."  
  
"Why? Most guys would love to have a woman chasing after them."  
  
"Yeah. Well the novelty wears pretty thin after a while. I tell you Natalie, she's..... she's stalking me."  
  
Natalie raised her eyebrows. "Stalking you?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the only word for it."  
  
"You have a stalker?"  
  
Elliot nodded. "She's crazy."  
  
"She'd have to be" said Natalie grinning.  
  
"This is serious Natalie. She's starting to scare me. Every time I turn around, she's there. She calls all the time, sends me letters, e-mails, everything."  
  
"God Elliot, who is this woman?"  
  
"Her name's Connie."  
  
"Where did you meet her?"  
  
"On the net. We met in a chat room and got talking."  
  
"Let me guess, then you arranged to meet for real."  
  
Elliot nodded.  
  
Natalie shook her head. "You should know better Elliot."  
  
"She seemed nice."  
  
"I'm sure she did. I'm sure they all do. Until they produce a kitchen knife and a badly tuned violin."  
  
Elliot nodded. "She didn't turn out quite how I expected."  
  
"What did you expect?"  
  
He shrugged. "Sanity."  
  
"Is she really that bad?"  
  
"Worse. I'm expecting a horse's head in my bed any time now."  
  
"I'm sure you're exaggerating."  
  
"Believe me, I'm not."  
  
"But why is she doing it?"  
  
"I wish I knew."  
  
"Did you encourage her?"  
  
"No!"  
  
Natalie looked at him.  
  
"Ok, yes. Maybe a little, at first. But I soon told her there was nothing between us."  
  
"And what did she say?"  
  
"She said that was fine, she understood, no hard feelings."  
  
"Sounds reasonable."  
  
"I thought so too. Then that night she turned up on my doorstep." He paused.  
  
"Naked."  
  
"Naked?"  
  
Elliot nodded. "I could see her through the spyhole."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"The only thing I could do. I pretended I was out."  
  
"Running away doesn't solve problems Elliot."  
  
"I didn't run away" he said. "I hid."  
  
"That won't help either. You have to confront her, tell her it's over."  
  
"I told you I tried that. All I got was Mrs. Smolenski from next door complaining about how I have naked women turning up at 1 am."  
  
"Have you told the police?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Complain about being chased by a woman?"  
  
"She's not just chasing, she's stalking."  
  
"They'd think I was a wimp."  
  
"If you make a complaint then you can apply for a restraining order."  
  
Elliot shook his head. "I can't afford the lawyers fees."  
  
Natalie sighed. "Well I see only three other options."  
  
"What are they?"  
  
"Date her."  
  
Elliot stared at her. "Are you mad?"  
  
"At least you'd know where she was."  
  
"She'd kill me in my sleep. Next option."  
  
"Kill her."  
  
"If I thought I could get away with it" said Elliot. "What's the third option?"  
  
"Move to Wyoming."  
  
Elliot frowned. "That might make travelling to work a little difficult."  
  
Natalie spread her hands. "Then I'm all out of ideas."  
  
"C'mon Natalie, there must be something else I can do."  
  
Natalie thought about it. "Do you know where she lives?"  
  
"Sure?"  
  
"Does she live alone?"  
  
"No. She still lives with her folks."  
  
"Then talk to her folks. Explain what she's doing and let them deal with her."  
  
Elliot smiled. "I might just try that."  
  
"Natalie?"  
  
She looked up and saw that Jeremy had entered the editing suite. "Hi Jeremy. You want the machine?"  
  
He shook his head. "Actually I want you."  
  
"There's some words I haven't heard from you for a while."  
  
He grinned. "Only platonically I'm afraid."  
  
"I'll try to contain my disappointment. What can I do for you, platonically?"  
  
"You could give me some advice."  
  
"How did I know you were going to say that?"  
  
"Sorry?"  
  
She shook her head. "Doesn't matter. What do you want the advice about?"  
  
"Toni."  
  
Natalie frowned. "Who's he?"  
  
"She. Toni with an 'I'."  
  
"Ok, who's she?"  
  
"My new girlfriend."  
  
Natalie was silent for a moment. "Your new girlfriend?"  
  
Jeremy nodded.  
  
"I wasn't aware you had a new girlfriend."  
  
He shook his head. "I've been trying to keep it low-key."  
  
"You succeeded."  
  
"Yeah. Anyway, this thing's come up and I wanted your advice."  
  
"About a thing?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"A thing between you and Terri?"  
  
"Toni."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Yes."  
  
Natalie stared at him for a moment. "Do you know who I am?"  
  
Jeremy frowned. "I think so. Why?"  
  
"Because I was wondering if you remembered how I used to be your girlfriend."  
  
"Was that you?"  
  
She nodded. "Mostly."  
  
He grinned. "Ok. What's your point?"  
  
"My point is that you don't ask your old girlfriend for advice about your new one."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because it's tactless."  
  
"Is it?"  
  
"Just a tad, don't you think?"  
  
Jeremy thought. "I never thought about it."  
  
"Ah, tactless and thoughtless."  
  
"I didn't mean that" he insisted. "It just seemed....natural...to ask you."  
  
"It did?"  
  
"Sure. You give good advice."  
  
"You never used to think so. All that advice I gave you about clothes and did you take any of it? No."  
  
"I thought you were trying to change me."  
  
"I was. For the better."  
  
"Well that's why I didn't take it." He grinned. "Doesn't mean I didn't think it was good advice."  
  
She smiled. "Thanks Jeremy."  
  
"Plus I figured you'd know how I could avoid all the problems I had with you."  
  
Natalie blinked. "Excuse me?"  
  
"Hey, I'm not saying it was all your fault."  
  
"You're not?"  
  
He shook his head. "No, I should have seen the danger signs and broke it off earlier."  
  
"I'm glad to see you're prepared to accept your share of the blame."  
  
"Of course" said Jeremy, her sarcasm seeming to go right over his head. "I wouldn't want you to feel bad."  
  
Natalie let it pass. "What's the problem with you and Trixie?"  
  
"Toni."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"It's not a problem as such."  
  
"What is it then, as such?"  
  
"I told you. It's a thing."  
  
"A thing?"  
  
"A situation."  
  
"I see."  
  
"And I just wanted to ask you a question about it."  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Ok, ask."  
  
Jeremy took a deep breath. "Do you think that monogamy is essential for a stable, happy relationship?"  
  
Natalie frowned. "I don't think it really matters what your furniture is made of."  
  
Jeremy stared at her for a second. "Monogamy Natalie, not mahogany."  
  
Natalie stared back. "You're asking me if monogamy is essential for a stable, happy relationship?"  
  
"I'm trying to. What do you think?"  
  
"Well it is for any relationship I plan to get involved in." She gave him a look.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Oh, no reason."  
  
"You don't ask that kind of question for no reason Jeremy."  
  
Jeremy looked shifty. "It was purely hypothetical."  
  
Natalie peered closely at him. "Does Tiffany want to see other guys?"  
  
"Toni."  
  
"That's her."  
  
"No" said Jeremy. "Well, yeah."  
  
"Dump her Jeremy."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes. She obviously doesn't care about you if she wants to see other guys."  
  
"She doesn't just want to see other guys."  
  
"She wants to see other girls too?"  
  
Jeremy shook his head. "She wants me to see other girls."  
  
Natalie was surprised, but she hid it well. "Oh."  
  
Jeremy looked at her. "What do you think?"  
  
"I think you've wandered into some kind of guy fantasy land. You have a girlfriend who actually wants you to have sex with other women."  
  
"What if I don't want to?"  
  
"Don't you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Well then."  
  
"But also no. It's just wouldn't feel like I have a real girlfriend. Not like you were." He looked at her. "I like having a girlfriend."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Plus I'm not to keen on the other side of the equation. The her with other guys part."  
  
"Oh yeah" said Natalie. "I forgot about that bit." She frowned. "How does all this work? Do you just go out together and go home separately if you get lucky?"  
  
Jeremy shook his head. "It's all organized. There's this club."  
  
"A swingers club?"  
  
He nodded. "They have a monthly newsletter and everything."  
  
"So, how do you....."  
  
"There are these parties."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"A different couple host each time. Everyone just turns up and...."  
  
"Anything goes?"  
  
"So I gather."  
  
"Oh my God Jeremy. You can't be seriously considering this."  
  
"You think it's a bad idea?"  
  
"Bad doesn't begin to describe it."  
  
"What do you think I should do?"  
  
She shrugged. "I guess we're back to dumping her."  
  
"But I like her. She's fun."  
  
"Ok. Go for a casual relationship. That sounds right up her street."  
  
"But I want a proper girlfriend."  
  
"You're not making this easy Jeremy."  
  
"You're not telling me anything I want to hear."  
  
"Well, you'll just have to tell her it's you or.....them."  
  
"What if she dumps me?"  
  
"Problem solved."  
  
"Except I have no girlfriend."  
  
She sighed. "What do you think?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About the swingers scene."  
  
He thought for a moment. "I don't know. Toni says that exclusivity isn't a natural state of being."  
  
"Neither is wearing clothes."  
  
"And she says that non-exclusive relationships are stronger and healthier than exclusive ones."  
  
"Hmmm" said Natalie. "Somehow I doubt it. But don't tell me what Tricia thinks, tell me what you think."  
  
"Toni."  
  
"Just tell me."  
  
"Well......." He trailed off, giving her a sheepish look.  
  
She stared at him. "You like the idea don't you?"  
  
"It could be kinda exciting" he said defensively.  
  
She nodded. "Not to mention infectious."  
  
"They're very careful."  
  
"Sounds to me like you want to try."  
  
"I don't" he insisted. "I'm just a little bit curious."  
  
"Very curious if you ask me" she said, taking the easy shot. "Ok" she said. "Make a deal with Tasha..."  
  
"Toni."  
  
"As you say. Tell her you'll try it once, but if you don't like it, no more. That way she can't say you haven't tried it. And she has to agree not to dump you just because you don't like it."  
  
Jeremy thought about it. "I guess I can try anything once." He thought some more. "Within reason." He looked up at her. "Thanks Natalie."  
  
"No problem."  
  
Jeremy began to walk away but Natalie called after him. "By the way Jeremy."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"It was all your fault."  
  
Natalie was alone in the control room, making preparations for the night's show when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She looked up. Then she looked further up. "Sally" she said with surprise. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"I work here."  
  
"Not at this hour."  
  
"I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"Is that you as in the crew, or you as in just me?"  
  
"Just me, I mean you."  
  
Natalie looked suspicious. "I am not backing off Sally."  
  
"I don't expect you to."  
  
"When Dana goes to Tokyo I'm going to be producing the show every night."  
  
"I know you are."  
  
"For the whole month."  
  
"Natalie, it's not about that."  
  
"It isn't?"  
  
"No. Although I still think my idea of alternating weeks...."  
  
"No Sally!"  
  
Sally held up her hands. "Ok, ok, subject closed."  
  
"Good." Natalie turned back to her work. When Sally didn't move she looked back at her. "You're still here I see."  
  
"I am." She smiled. "I told you it wasn't about that."  
  
Natalie sighed. "Well what is it about?"  
  
"I wanted your advice."  
  
Natalie stared at her. The she laughed. "You are joking."  
  
Sally shook her head. "No."  
  
"What could you possibly want my advice about?"  
  
Sally gave a half-smile. "Would you believe, men?"  
  
Natalie laughed again. "No I wouldn't."  
  
"Well unlikely as it sounds, it's true."  
  
"You want my advice about men?"  
  
"Well" said Sally, "a man."  
  
"You don't usually need advice about men, especially from me."  
  
"I know I don't. But the usual stuff isn't working."  
  
"What's the usual stuff?"  
  
"Smile, show some cleavage, and wait for them to come running."  
  
"He didn't come running?"  
  
"No" said Sally. "It's very strange."  
  
Natalie sighed. "Ok, what man is it?"  
  
"One you know."  
  
"One I know?"  
  
"Of course. That's why I'm asking you, I need the inside track. I wouldn't ask your advice about men in general."  
  
"I should've guessed" said Natalie with a sigh. "Alright, which one is it?"  
  
Sally pursed her lips. "Dan."  
  
Natalie opened her eyes wide. "Dan?"  
  
"Did you think it was going to be Jeremy?"  
  
"His wasn't the first name to enter my head" admitted Natalie. "I figured Casey."  
  
Sally shook her head. "Been there, done that."  
  
"And now you want to go there and do Dan?"  
  
"Something like that."  
  
"Fine. But I don't see where I come in."  
  
"I want you to help me."  
  
"Help you get Dan?"  
  
Sally nodded.  
  
"Not a chance."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because Dan's my friend. I would never do that to him."  
  
"Meaning what?"  
  
"Meaning I don't think you're the right woman for him."  
  
"And who is?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Somebody who isn't you."  
  
"Isn't that for Dan to decide?"  
  
Natalie nodded. "Sure. But it's for me to decide whether or not to help you and it was one of the easier decisions I've had to make today."  
  
"Come on Natalie."  
  
Sally looked at her for a moment. "I could persuade you to change your mind."  
  
"I don't think so."  
  
"You haven't heard my offer."  
  
Natalie looked at her. "What could you offer me?"  
  
Sally smiled. "A screen-test."  
  
Natalie paused. "A what?"  
  
"A screen-test. There's an opening coming up for a reporter on Carl Muller's team." She paused to let the news sink in. "Of course, I can't guarantee you'll get the job." She smiled again. "But I can guarantee you a place on the short-list."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Let's just say I have some.....influence.....with Carl."  
  
"I could apply anyway" said Natalie without much conviction.  
  
"You could" agreed Sally.  
  
Natalie chewed on her bottom lip for a few moments. The she looked up. "What do you want to know?"  
  
"Everything."  
  
"We're on air in an hour, I don't have time for everything."  
  
Sally shrugged. "Just tell me what I need to do to get him to notice me."  
  
Natalie grinned. "Believe me, he notices you."  
  
"Ok, what I need to do to get him to like me."  
  
"I can't work miracles Sally."  
  
Sally pouted. "Just tell me what kind of women he likes, I can adapt."  
  
"Ok" said Natalie. "Well, he likes women who have an understated sexuality. And who are smart." She looked at Sally. "The opposite of you in fact."  
  
"Hey, I'm smart!"  
  
"I don't mean dress sense" said Natalie, "I mean intelligence."  
  
Sally gave her a look. "I have intelligence."  
  
"You have a certain predatory cunning but that isn't really the same thing."  
  
"I'm smart Natalie!" insisted Sally. "How else do you think I got this job?" she challenged.  
  
"You slept with one of the executives."  
  
"The fact that I was in a short-term relationship with Craig at the time was purely coincidental" said Sally. "Besides, sex may get you a job, it doesn't help you keep it if you're not up to it."  
  
Natalie conceded the point. "Ok, you have a brain. But you don't exactly put it on display do you?"  
  
"Well I never considered it my most attractive feature."  
  
"Exactly. What you show off is your legs and chest."  
  
"And my hair."  
  
"That too. The point is, guys look at you as a sex object."  
  
Sally smiled.  
  
"That's not a good thing Sally."  
  
"It isn't?"  
  
"No. At least not where Dan is concerned. He likes women he can talk to."  
  
"What do you suggest?"  
  
"Soften your image. Dress a little more conservatively."  
  
Sally frowned. "You mean like wear longer skirts?"  
  
"Maybe even pants."  
  
"Pants?"  
  
Natalie nodded. "And cover up the chest."  
  
Sally looked down. "All of it?"  
  
"If you can find enough material."  
  
"I'm not sure about this Natalie. I mean, Dan looks at me when I go by dressed like this. I've seen him."  
  
"Of course he looks Sally. He's a guy, it's pre-programmed."  
  
"That's true" acknowledged Sally. "Anything else."  
  
"You're too tall."  
  
"Too tall?"  
  
Natalie nodded. "Guys don't like it when the girl is too tall."  
  
"What about Tom Cruise?"  
  
"Tom Cruise has no choice."  
  
"Casey didn't mind."  
  
"Casey's taller than Dan. Besides, you and Casey was just sex. You're looking for more." She paused. "You are looking for more aren't you?"  
  
Sally shrugged. "I guess so. Eventually."  
  
"Then you're too tall."  
  
"So you said. But I'm not sure what I can do about it."  
  
Natalie looked at Sally's feet. "Wear flats."  
  
"Flats?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Can you get fashionable flats?"  
  
"I wear flats."  
  
Sally looked at her. "Should I repeat the question?"  
  
"Best not, we've been getting along so well up to now."  
  
"So do you think all this will make me seem more intelligent?"  
  
"It will give your....intelligence....a chance to come out from under the sex-bomb persona. But you have to back it up."  
  
"With what?"  
  
"Intelligent words. Smart conversation."  
  
Sally nodded. "It's been a while since I had to do that, but I guess I can remember how. What about the other thing?"  
  
"What thing?"  
  
"The understated sexuality thing."  
  
"I think we pretty much covered that along the way."  
  
Sally thought about it, then smiled. "I guess we did."  
  
"Are you going to try it?"  
  
Sally shrugged. "I'll try anything once. Thanks Natalie." She turned to go.  
  
"What about my screen-test?"  
  
"I'll be in touch."  
  
"You better be" muttered Natalie. Then she frowned. "I hope to hell Dan doesn't fall for this."  
  
"Natalie?"  
  
She paused in the process of putting her jacket on and looked up. "Yes Dan?"  
  
"Are you still here?"  
  
She looked around. "I think so."  
  
"I mean do you have time to talk?"  
  
She looked at her watch. "Can you fit it all into thirty seconds?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
Natalie slumped back into her seat. "Ok, seeing as it's you, and as I have the day off tomorrow and therefore don't have to get up, I guess I can spare you five minutes."  
  
Dan smiled. "You're too kind."  
  
"I am too kind" said Natalie. "It's why I'll never be President, I'm just not ruthless enough." She looked at him. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"I need some advice."  
  
Natalie rolled her eyes. "Can nobody in this place sort out there own problems?"  
  
"Am I not the first?" asked Dan.  
  
Natalie shook her head. "You were just about the only one who hadn't. Why does everybody think I have all the answers?"  
  
Dan grinned. "Maybe you could get a job on a newspaper advice column?"  
  
Natalie laughed. "Yeah, 'Dear Natalie'. How does it sound?"  
  
"I'd certainly write you with all my problems."  
  
"Oh, it's a full-time job then?"  
  
Dan pretended to be hurt. "I don't have that many personal problems" he declared. "I only have a few." He paused. "They just happen to be real big ones."  
  
She smiled. "So what's the latest?"  
  
Dan screwed up his face. "It's this girl."  
  
"Which girl?"  
  
"This girl I know."  
  
"Better than a girl you don't know. Is it I girl that I know?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Is it Abbey?"  
  
"No. Abbey and I are geography."  
  
"What?"  
  
Dan grinned. "I was never any good at history."  
  
Natalie shook her head in mock dismay, but was smiling nonetheless. "I thought you liked Abbey."  
  
"I did like her."  
  
"So what went wrong?"  
  
Dan sighed. "She kept analyzing me for one thing."  
  
"Isn't that what you paid her for?"  
  
"But she did it when I wasn't paying."  
  
"Wow, free therapy!"  
  
Dan smiled. "But it's no fun having your every word and action taken apart for the meaning behind it."  
  
Natalie picked up a pen and notepad and leant forward as if ready to take notes. "So tell me, why do you think it is that you have this fear of personal analysis?"  
  
Dan laughed. "Don't you start."  
  
"Ok" said Natalie, "no analysis. Now who's this girl?"  
  
"She's.....a friend."  
  
"A friend?"  
  
"Would this friend's name start with an 'R'?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh." Natalie frowned, thinking for a second. Then she had a thought. "Have you had sex with this friend?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Is it Kim?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Oh." She thought some more. "Not Sally?"  
  
"Sally's not really my friend."  
  
"I guess not. Oh my God not Dana?"  
  
Dan shook his head. "Natalie, there are hundreds of women in this building. Are you going to list them all?"  
  
"So it's someone in the building?"  
  
"Natalie!"  
  
"Ok, ok, be secretive. What's the big problem with your friend?"  
  
Dan took a breath. "I guess I want her to be more than a friend."  
  
Natalie nodded in understanding. "And what does she say about that?"  
  
"I haven't asked her."  
  
"I think I just spotted where you might be going wrong."  
  
"I know I need to ask her Natalie" he said. "The question is how?"  
  
"How do you usually ask?"  
  
Dan shrugged. "I just ask."  
  
"Does it work?"  
  
"It has been known."  
  
"I'd go with that then."  
  
Dan shook his head. "It's not that easy. I usually start by asking the girl if she would like to go out for a drink."  
  
"Works for me" said Natalie.  
  
"But I've known this girl so long that, if I ask her if she would like to go out for a drink, she'll think I'm asking her out for a drink."  
  
"So she'll get totally the wrong idea?"  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"You could try something a little less ambiguous."  
  
"Such as?"  
  
Natalie shrugged. "Would you like to have sex?"  
  
"That's pretty unambiguous."  
  
"It gets the message across."  
  
"A little too full-on though."  
  
"Ok, just ask her for a date."  
  
"How?"  
  
"Use the word 'date' somewhere in the sentence."  
  
"I can't do that" he said.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because if she said no then, afterwards, everything would be.....awkward between us."  
  
"You think she'll break off the friendship?"  
  
He shook his head. "No, she's way too nice for that." He sighed. "But I'd have to wear a bag on my head for the rest of my life to avoid the embarrassment."  
  
Natalie gave him a smile. "Maybe you just have to take a chance."  
  
"Maybe" he said. "But isn't there some way to know beforehand? Some kind of sign to look for?"  
  
"Have you tried checking if her pupils dilate when she looks at you?"  
  
"I tried, but it's sort of hard to tell."  
  
Natalie thought for a moment. "Well how does she act when you're alone together? Is she affectionate, tactile?"  
  
"Sure she's affectionate" said Dan. "But she's an affectionate girl. Besides" he added, "we're not alone all that often. It's mostly with a group, you know?"  
  
Natalie nodded. "It's hard in a group. What you need to do is get her alone for long enough to get a clear signal."  
  
"Good idea" said Dan. "How?"  
  
"Well...." she said, "....is this girl a good enough friend for you to go on vacation with her?"  
  
"Vacation?"  
  
"Nothing big, just a long weekend. And separate rooms."  
  
Dan thought about it. "I guess she might go for it. Maybe. But where do I take her?"  
  
"That's the clever bit" said Natalie. "Find out what her ideal weekend would be, and book it."  
  
"How do I do that without being obvious?"  
  
"Just say how you're thinking of taking a short break but don't know where to go. Ask her where she would go, what her ideal break would be. She's bound to say something that she considers romantic."  
  
"Ok, and then?"  
  
"Then you say you liked her idea so much you booked it. And then you say you have a spare ticket and would she like to come, making sure to stress the separate rooms angle."  
  
Dan looked dubious. "You think that would work?"  
  
She shrugs. "It will if she feels the same about you. If she says no, you'll know she isn't interested."  
  
Dan nodded. "And I can back off without losing face."  
  
"Don't I give the best advice?"  
  
He smiled. "I'll let you know."  
  
She got up to leave.  
  
"Natalie?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Just out of interest, where would your ideal romantic weekend be?"  
  
"Mine?"  
  
He nodded. "Just out of interest."  
  
She smiled. "Vermont."  
  
Dan raised his eyebrows. "Vermont? I expected Paris."  
  
She shook her head. "No, Vermont. In a log cabin miles from anywhere. Walks in the woods, open fires, that's my kind of romantic."  
  
"Walks in the woods?"  
  
She nodded. "Oh, and moose. There has to be moose."  
  
"Why moose?"  
  
She grinned. "I have a thing about moose. They look so dopey."  
  
THE NEXT DAY  
  
"This is a nice place" said Casey when the waiter had taken their order.  
  
Dana nodded. "Isaac introduced me to it."  
  
"I bet they do great desserts."  
  
She smiled. "How well you know me Mr. McCall."  
  
"That's a nice dress too" Casey commented.  
  
Dana smiled. "Thanks."  
  
"I might even say sexy."  
  
"Thanks again."  
  
"Not your usual work attire though."  
  
She looked down at her dress. "It's ok though right? It's still professional?"  
  
Casey grinned. "Depends on the profession."  
  
"I knew the compliments couldn't last."  
  
"No, you've had your quota for the day."  
  
"Can I have an advance on tomorrow?"  
  
"I'll think about it."  
  
They both smiled and sipped their drinks.  
  
"So" said Casey, "Dan."  
  
"No, Dana. There's an 'A' on the end."  
  
"Dan, as in my partner, Dan. The reason we're here."  
  
"Is he?"  
  
"You said he was."  
  
"I did say that didn't I?"  
  
"You did."  
  
Dana nodded.  
  
"And?"  
  
"I'm just a little worried about him."  
  
Casey frowned. "Why?"  
  
"I think he might be lonely."  
  
"Lonely?"  
  
Dana nodded again.  
  
"Why do you think that?"  
  
"Do I really need to answer that?"  
  
Casey considered. "Yes."  
  
"When was the last time Dan went on a date?"  
  
Casey shrugged. "I don't know, last month?"  
  
"Try two months. And that was Abbey which doesn't really count."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because she just messed with his head. And before that, Rebecca."  
  
"Rebecca was nice."  
  
"Not to Dan."  
  
"Maybe not in the end."  
  
"See? Dan hasn't been on an effective date for a year or more."  
  
"What's an effective date?"  
  
"One that doesn't leave you screwed up."  
  
Casey looked puzzled. "Dana, why are we sitting here discussing Dan's love- life?"  
  
"I just find it a shame that such a smart, handsome, kind, guy seems to have such a hard time finding a woman who really appreciates him."  
  
"You think he's handsome?"  
  
"And smart and kind."  
  
"Ok. So what do you want me to do?"  
  
"Arrange a date."  
  
"With who?"  
  
"With Dan of course."  
  
"And who else."  
  
Dana shrugged. "Someone who appreciates him."  
  
Casey stared at her for a moment, then a little light went on inside his head. Unfortunately it was only a 40 watt bulb and it didn't cast enough light for him to see that the conclusion he jumped to next, was the wrong one. "Someone who appreciates him?" he said.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Someone who things he's handsome, and smart?"  
  
"And kind, yes."  
  
Casey shook his head. "I can't believe you're actually asking me to do this."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"You actually want me to set it up?"  
  
"You're his best friend."  
  
"I'm also your.....your....."  
  
"My what?"  
  
Casey nodded. "You're right. What am I to you? Nothing important. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't ask me to do this thing."  
  
"I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of it."  
  
"Don't you?"  
  
She shook her head. "No. Just talk to him. Tell him that...."  
  
"Let me ask you something Dana" he interrupted. "What makes you think he's even interested?"  
  
"Of course he's interested."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"Natalie told me."  
  
Casey threw up his hands. "Of course. He tells Natalie but he doesn't tell me."  
  
"Casey, if this is such a problem for you then maybe you shouldn't do it."  
  
Casey laughed. "Damn right I shouldn't. And I won't."  
  
She looked at him. "I'm disappointed in you Casey. I thought you'd show a little more care and consideration for your best friend."  
  
"Some best friend. It turns out he has the hots for the woman that I love and he never once let on."  
  
Dana frowned. "Casey what....?"  
  
"And to make matters worse it turns out the feeling is mutual and you want me to set up a date."  
  
Dana was shaking her head. "No Casey, you don't....."  
  
Casey stood up. "Well if you want Dan, fine, go get him. But don't expect me to ask him for you." He stormed off, making a dramatic exit that was only spoiled when he fell over the sweet trolley.  
  
Dana stood up and yelled after him. "Casey come back." But he didn't respond. "Stupid jerk" she exclaimed to the room in general. She stood fuming for a few moments but was interrupted by a discreet cough at her shoulder. She turned to see a waiter holding plates.  
  
"Was Madam having the fish?"  
  
"Hello Dan."  
  
Dan looked up. "Hi........Sally?"  
  
She walked into the office. "How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm.....doing fine. How about you?"  
  
"Fine." She watched him for a moment. "Is something wrong?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Are you having trouble your eyes?"  
  
"No. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because you haven't blinked."  
  
Dan blinked. "Sorry I was just........"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
Dan thought how best to phrase his next sentence. "That's a new look for you isn't it?"  
  
Sally looked herself up and down. "I just threw on whatever was to hand."  
  
"Corduroy pants and your university sweater?"  
  
"They're just clothes."  
  
"I guess." He gave her another look. "I didn't know you wore glasses."  
  
She shrugged. "I couldn't be bothered to put my contacts in." She paused. "Do you think they make me look more....intelligent?"  
  
"You'd think they would wouldn't you?"  
  
"They don't?"  
  
Dan shrugged. "Maybe it's the pink frames. But don't worry, they don't make you look less intelligent."  
  
"Do you think I'm smart Dan?"  
  
Dan considered. "You have more of a casual look today" he said.  
  
"I meant intelligence."  
  
"Oh, er, sure, I guess so."  
  
"You guess so?"  
  
"Well it's not something I ever really think about when I think about you."  
  
"You think about me?"  
  
Dan got a look of panic in his eyes. "Sometimes."  
  
"When times?"  
  
"Er, occasional times, now and then. When I'm watching volleyball."  
  
"But you don't think of me as intelligent?"  
  
"I don't not think of you as intelligent. Are those new shoes?"  
  
"Yes. Why don't you think of me as intelligent?"  
  
"Let's just say that you have...other attributes...that tend to take precedence in a person's mind when they think of you."  
  
"Other attributes?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like......er.......like your height."  
  
"My height?"  
  
"Can't miss it."  
  
"Do you think I'm too tall?"  
  
"Too tall for what?"  
  
"Just....too tall."  
  
"I'd say you were about tall enough."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For volleyball."  
  
"What about when I'm off the court?"  
  
"I don't see that you have much of a choice in the matter."  
  
"I'm not suggesting I have. I was just wondering if people thought I was too tall."  
  
Dan shrugged. "Well, I guess as long as your feet reach the ground."  
  
"Will you please answer the question?"  
  
"Ok. No, I do not think you are too tall."  
  
"I am tall though."  
  
"I did notice."  
  
"For a woman."  
  
"For anybody."  
  
"Only somebody told me that guys don't like tall women. Is that right?"  
  
"Depends on the guy" said Dan. "Look at Dudley Moore."  
  
"He has no choice."  
  
"And it didn't seem to bother Casey. Or Craig. Or Carl." He paused. "Or Dennis Rodman."  
  
Sally stared at him. "Who told you about Dennis Rodman?"  
  
"Dennis Rodman."  
  
"The bastard."  
  
Dan grinned. "The point is that you seem to do ok with men. Why are you suddenly so concerned?"  
  
"I know I can attract men Dan, but it's mostly just fun. What if I want a serious relationship?"  
  
"Then have one."  
  
"It's not that simple" she said.  
  
"Tell me about it."  
  
"I mean, I can get a guy, but the guy I get may not be the right guy. Or he might be the right guy for, you know, but not the right guy for more than just, you know. You know?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Most guys see me as a sex object."  
  
Dan just nodded.  
  
"Well what if the guy I want isn't interested in sex objects?"  
  
"Is there such a man?"  
  
"Of course. The man I want likes women who are sexual, but in an understated way."  
  
Dan nodded. "I know what you mean."  
  
"And he doesn't just want to jump into bed with a woman. He likes to do other things. Like talk."  
  
"I like to talk" said Dan.  
  
She looked straight into his eyes. "That's what I need Dan. I need someone understanding. Someone I can talk to."  
  
Dan met her gaze. "I think I have just what you need."  
  
Sally smiled. "I was hoping you'd say that."  
  
Dan picked up a pen and began to write something on a piece of paper.  
  
"What are you writing?" asked Sally.  
  
"A phone number."  
  
"I already know your number."  
  
"It's not mine."  
  
Sally frowned. "Then whose is it?"  
  
"Abbey's."  
  
"Abbey's?"  
  
Dan nodded.  
  
"Abbey the trick cyclist?"  
  
"Don't call her that."  
  
"Why are you giving me her number?"  
  
"You said you needed somebody to talk to."  
  
"I didn't mean a psychiatrist, I meant you."  
  
Dan shook his head. "I'm not qualified Sally. With Abbey you can talk through your problems, and she'll help you resolve all these lifestyle and image issues you have."  
  
"I don't want to talk to her about my issues." She paused. "What am I saying, I don't even have issues."  
  
"Denial isn't good Sally. Abbey told me that."  
  
"It's not denial it's....."  
  
"Just give her a call" said Dan.  
  
"I don't want to see a shrink."  
  
Dan walked over to her. "Sally, there's not shame in getting therapy these days. Everybody does it."  
  
"But...."  
  
He pressed the piece of paper at her. "Take it. Give her a call."  
  
Numbly, Sally took the paper from him. Then she slowly turned and walked out of the room. "This wasn't how it was supposed to go" she murmured.  
  
Dan watched her go and shook his head. "I much prefer her with her hair down" he commented.  
  
"Hello dear" said Isaac as he entered his living room. "Did you have a good day?"  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
Isaac looked at his wife. "Hmmph?"  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
"Did they cancel your favorite TV show?"  
  
Esther glared at him.  
  
"I'm guessing that's not it."  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
"Did I do something?"  
  
She gave him another glare.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes. Would you like a drink?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I think I'll have one" he said. "Looks like I'm going to need it."  
  
He fixed himself a drink while Esther bored holes into his back with her eyes. "So" he said when he had sat down, "do I get find out what exactly it is I've done wrong?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"Only you seemed quite pleased with me when I left you this morning. And as I was at work all day I don't really see how I managed to mess up in between-time."  
  
"And just why was I so pleased with you this morning?"  
  
"It's our anniversary."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And I gave you the goblets."  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
Isaac frowned. "You don't like the goblets?"  
  
"I loved the goblets. The goblets are not the problem."  
  
"Then what is?"  
  
"The clock."  
  
"The clock?"  
  
"The clock."  
  
"The goblets I gave you aren't the problem, but the clock I didn't give you is?"  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
Isaac looked at her. "You wanted the clock right? Well I'm sorry Esther but it's like I told you. The clock was faulty. I asked if it could be repaired but apparently they stopped making the parts in 1847."  
  
"I didn't want the clock."  
  
"You didn't?"  
  
"Yes I did, but I was just as happy with the goblets."  
  
Isaac frowned. "So are we cool now?"  
  
Esther glared at him one more time. "I went to Bonham's."  
  
"You did?"  
  
"I did."  
  
"Why did you do that?"  
  
"I went to complain about them selling you a faulty clock."  
  
"You didn't need to do that."  
  
"I thought I did. You're no good at complaining, I knew you wouldn't do it right." She paused. "Then I find you didn't complain at all."  
  
"Esther...."  
  
"And the reason you didn't complain was that you never took the clock back."  
  
"Well no, I...."  
  
"They were very nice about it, considering I had threatened to write to 'Antique Collector' magazine."  
  
"I can explain."  
  
Esther pursed her lips. "I was hoping you could."  
  
"Well, you see.....the thing with the clock was......." he stopped. "Maybe I can't explain."  
  
"You'd better try."  
  
"I just did."  
  
"Try harder."  
  
Isaac sighed. "Ok, I didn't take the clock back."  
  
"I know that. Was it faulty?"  
  
"No."  
  
"So where is it?"  
  
"In the mail."  
  
"The mail? Where's it going?"  
  
"Cleveland."  
  
Esther frowned. "You sent it to Cleveland?"  
  
"In secure packaging."  
  
"Why Cleveland?"  
  
"It's a fine city."  
  
"Isaac, we don't know anybody in Cleveland."  
  
Isaac was silent.  
  
Esther stared at him. "Or do we?"  
  
Isaac sighed. "Well, I do."  
  
Esther nodded. "I thought as much."  
  
"In fact" continued Isaac, "so do you."  
  
Esther frowned. "Who?"  
  
Isaac took a deep, deep breath. "Stella."  
  
"Stella? I don't know any........" She stared at him. "Stella Reynolds?"  
  
"It's Cooper now. She married Jake."  
  
"Really?" said Esther with an edge to her voice. "How is Jake these days?"  
  
"He died ten years ago."  
  
Esther nodded. "So Stella's a merry widow."  
  
"Not so merry."  
  
"No? You can't be treating her right."  
  
"Esther it's not what you....."  
  
"Not what I think? You're sending expensive gifts to that......that tramp, and it's not what I think."  
  
"No, it's not" insisted Isaac. "And she isn't a tramp."  
  
"She sure as hell used to be. That's how she got her claws into you all those years ago. I thought she'd let go but obviously I was wrong."  
  
"Esther...."  
  
"So when did you meet up again? When was the happy reunion and how come I wasn't invited?"  
  
"There was no reunion" said Isaac wearily, "we......never really lost touch." Esther stared at him. "All these years?"  
  
Isaac just nodded.  
  
"You've been seeing her all these years?"  
  
"I haven't been....."  
  
"How could I be so blind? All those business trips where I would kiss you goodbye at the door and kiss you hello again when you came back." She looked at him. "Did Jake know?"  
  
"Esther there was nothing for Jake to know."  
  
"So you waited till he died? How decent of you."  
  
"There's nothing between Stella and I Esther. She's just an old friend."  
  
"You expect me to believe that?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Why should I?"  
  
"Because I'm your husband."  
  
"Not for much longer."  
  
"Esther!"  
  
"I'm surprised you can manage it with your health the way it is." She paused as a thought struck her. "It's probably what caused the stroke in the first place. Over-exertion."  
  
"Will you listen to me Esther" he pleaded. "Stella is a friend and nothing more, never has been."  
  
"Never?"  
  
"Well except for that first six months. But since then, no."  
  
"Then why the clock?"  
  
"I was just browsing one day and came across it."  
  
"And you bought it for Stella."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"That's quite a gift for someone who's just a friend."  
  
"It's not just any clock."  
  
"I know. The man at Bonham's told me about it at great length. Hand- crafted, solid brass..."  
  
"I know all that Esther. That's not what I mean."  
  
"Then what do you mean Isaac?"  
  
"I mean it's her clock."  
  
"Her clock? What do you mean her clock? Since when did Stella Reynolds own anything like....." Esther's brow furrowed. "You don't mean old Grandpa Reynolds' clock? The one the officer gave him for saving his life in the civil war?"  
  
"The very same."  
  
Esther became thoughtful. "Stella's mom used to talk about that clock the whole time."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Isaac it can't be the same clock."  
  
"It had the dedication inscribed on the back."  
  
Esther gave a low laugh. "My God, Grandpa Reynold's clock. I used to wonder if it was even real."  
  
"It's real. And now it's back where it belongs."  
  
"I guess so."  
  
Isaac breathed a sigh of relief. "Now do you believe there's nothing between Stella and I?"  
  
Esther gave him a hard stare. "I don't know."  
  
"But I just told you...."  
  
"You told me about a clock that you found a week ago. That doesn't explain why you knew where to send it. And why you've known ever since you married me."  
  
"We were just keeping in touch."  
  
"In secret."  
  
Isaac shrugged. "We didn't think you'd understand."  
  
"Well, thank you for having so much faith in me."  
  
Isaac nodded. "You're right, I should have told you."  
  
"That's right" said Esther, "you should."  
  
Isaac stood up and began to walk over to where she was sitting. "Don't you come near me."  
  
"But I thought...."  
  
"You thought what?"  
  
"That everything was ok now."  
  
Esther gave a bitter laugh. "Oh no, it's not that easy. I'm not a priest, I don't absolve thirty years of lies just because you own up to it when you've been caught out."  
  
"I love you Esther."  
  
"Don't try that hogwash on me. You think you can just say that and I'll melt into your arms. Uh uh Isaac. That trick stopped working a looong time ago."  
  
"Esther...."  
  
"Just stay out of my face till I decide if you're still worth the effort." Isaac looked at her for a while. She stubbornly refused to look at him. "Do I take it we're no longer going out to dinner tonight?" he ventured.  
  
"Hmmph."  
  
Isaac nodded. "I'll make a sandwich."  
  
Elliot paced up and down outside the house muttering to himself. "Mr. Santana, it's about your daughter. I'm sorry to have to tell you this but....." He stopped. "If I say that he'll think she's dead."  
  
"Elliot!"  
  
He looked up and saw Connie waving from one of the upstairs windows. "Oh, God" he said.  
  
"Wait there" she said, "I'll open the door."  
  
Elliot considered making a run for it. "No" he told himself, "you came here to sort this out and you're damn well going to do it."  
  
"Why didn't you call?" asked Connie as she opened the door.  
  
"I wanted to surprise you" he lied.  
  
She quickly ushered him inside and guided him to the living room where there were two people waiting. "Mom, Dad" she said, "this is Elliot."  
  
The man rose and shook Elliot's hand. "So you're the young man Connie keeps talking about. We were starting to think she was making you up."  
  
"No, I'm real."  
  
"We're just about to have dinner" said Mrs Santana. "Would you care to join us?"  
  
This wasn't going quite as Elliot had planned. "Er, no, thank you. I don't want to intrude."  
  
"Nonsense" said Mr Santana. "Sit and enjoy. Maria is a wonderful cook."  
  
Elliot didn't feel able to politely refuse in the face of such relentless hospitality, so he sat down.  
  
The food turned out to be every bit as good as Mr Santana had promised. Elliot decided he might as well make the best of it and enthusiastically tucked in. At the same time he inwardly debated about what was the most appropriate point during a meal to tell your hosts that their daughter was as twisted as a corkscrew. Not that he had much of a chance to tell them, Mr Santana had turned out to have an interest in sports.  
  
"What does that Casey guy know about baseball, huh?" asked Mr Santana.  
  
"Well, he...."  
  
"I'll tell you what he knows. Nothing, that's what."  
  
"Obviously there are different opinions."  
  
"I could do that job. How would I go about applying for a job like that?"  
  
"Er......send in a tape I guess."  
  
"A tape?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, of you.....doing your thing."  
  
Mr Santana nodded. "My cousin has a video camera." He grinned. "And I'll have someone on the inside."  
  
"The inside?"  
  
"You."  
  
"Oh, well I don't make those decisions."  
  
"I thought you were the producer."  
  
"Associate producer."  
  
"So you're second in command?"  
  
"Not exactly."  
  
Mr Santana waved Elliot's protests away. "Whatever, you can put in a good word right?"  
  
"I can put in a word of some sort."  
  
"That's my boy."  
  
"Ricardo" said Mrs Santana, "will you stop bothering Elliot with questions about his work. We have much more important things to talk about."  
  
"We do?" asked Elliot. "What?"  
  
Mrs Santana smiled. "The wedding of course."  
  
Elliot smiled back. "Who's getting married?"  
  
Mrs Santana looked puzzled. "You are."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I'm sorry Elliot" said Connie, "I told them."  
  
"You told them?"  
  
"I couldn't keep it a secret any longer. I was so excited."  
  
"We were a little worried at first" said Mr Santana. "You hear stories about some of weirdo's who use this Internet thing."  
  
"But now that we've finally met you we can see what a nice boy you are" said Mrs Santana.  
  
"Hey, look, wait a minute guys...." began Elliot.  
  
"We were thinking maybe June?" said Mrs Santana.  
  
"Or July" added Connie.  
  
Elliot shook his head. "No, wait...."  
  
"Later than July?" protested Mrs Santana.  
  
"Much later" said Elliot.  
  
"Like when" said Mr Santana.  
  
"Like never."  
  
"What!" chorused Mr and Mrs Santana.  
  
"What do you mean Elliot?" said Connie.  
  
"I mean we're not getting married."  
  
"My daughter is not living with a man out of wedlock" declared Mr Santana.  
  
"Fine by me" said Elliot.  
  
"Elliot" wailed Connie, "what are you saying?"  
  
Elliot stood up. "I'm saying no wedding, no living together, no nothing. I didn't come round here for dinner, I came to get you out of my life."  
  
Connie buried herself sobbing in the arms of her mother. Mr Santana stood up. "What is this?" he asked. "You have sex with my daughter and....."  
  
"Ricardo!" exclaimed his wife.  
  
"I'm sorry Maria but such language is necessary. You have sex with my daughter and then cast her aside like a....a.....thing you don't want any more."  
  
"I didn't have sex with her" insisted Elliot. "Except for that one time."  
  
"He admits it" said Mr Santana pointing an accusing finger.  
  
"It's not like that at all" protested Elliot. "I'm sorry but it's time you learned a few home truths about your darling daughter." He pointed at her. "She's crazy, she's manipulative and she lives in some kind of fantasy world."  
  
"How dare you!" exclaimed Mr Santana making towards Elliot.  
  
Mrs Santana held him back. "No Ricardo, not in the house. Think of the carpets."  
  
"It has to be said Mr Santana. I went on three dates with Connie but that was over two months ago. Since then she's been making my life hell, following me, calling me. And it has to stop or....or I'm afraid I'll have to call the police."  
  
Mr and Mrs Santana stared at him.  
  
"Elliot, how could you?" exclaimed Connie, crying very convincingly.  
  
"I do not believe this" said Mr Santana."  
  
"It's true" said Elliot.  
  
"That you could stoop so low as to spread such wicked lies about my daughter just to avoid your responsibilities."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"I spit on you" said Mrs Santana, and she did so.  
  
"Hey!" said Elliot, wiping it off.  
  
"Hit him Ricardo" said Mrs Santana.  
  
"What about the carpets?"  
  
"To hell with the carpets."  
  
"Maybe I'd better leave" said Elliot edging towards the door.  
  
But he wasn't quick enough. The last thing he saw was an enraged Mr Santana charging towards him. Then it all went black.  
  
"How are you feeling?" asked Toni.  
  
"Uncomfortable" said Jeremy.  
  
"Maybe if you got undressed."  
  
He looked at her. "Somehow I don't think that would help."  
  
"Well at least you wouldn't be the odd one out."  
  
"I'm not the only person dressed" said Jeremy. "That woman over there is dressed."  
  
"Mrs Hardiman? Jeremy she's over seventy."  
  
"She's still dressed."  
  
"She only comes to watch."  
  
Jeremy raised his eyebrows. "Is that allowed?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Can I just watch?"  
  
"If you want. Nobody's going to force you into anything."  
  
Jeremy looked thoughtful. "Maybe I'll just watch."  
  
Toni shrugged. "Suit yourself. Do you want to watch me or...."  
  
"You?!"  
  
"Well you don't have to."  
  
"But....you mean...you're still going to......even if I don't?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"But....who?"  
  
"I was thinking Steve" she indicated a naked man on the other side of the room.  
  
Jeremy looked at him. "He seems normal" he observed. "Apart from....".  
  
Toni nodded. "That's why he's so popular."  
  
"I bet. So, you and he will....?"  
  
"Yeah. Then probably Mike."  
  
"What!"  
  
"If I'm not too tired."  
  
"But you can't!"  
  
"I can" she said. "I have before."  
  
"You can't have two when I don't even have one."  
  
"Then have one" she said. "I've noticed a couple of the girls giving you the once over."  
  
"Girls have been looking me over?"  
  
She nodded. "Even though you're wearing clothes."  
  
"Who?"  
  
Toni pointed out a couple of women.  
  
"Really?" he asked. "Those two?"  
  
"Yeah." She smiled. "You like the look of them?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Well go and talk to them."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I can't just walk up to a woman and ask her to have sex with me."  
  
She gave him a look. "Jeremy, that's why we're here."  
  
"I know, but....."  
  
"You want me to talk to them?"  
  
"Would you?"  
  
"Sure. Which one's your first choice?"  
  
Jeremy thought for a second and indicated his preference to Toni who immediately approached the woman.  
  
"God" muttered Jeremy. "I feel like I'm in a 1970s porn movie."  
  
As if on cue a disco beat filled the air. "I thought a little music would liven things up" declared Mrs Stone, hostess for the evening and definitely old enough to remember the 70s first time around.  
  
"It's all set up" said Toni returning to his side.  
  
"What is?"  
  
"You and Elaine."  
  
"Just like that?"  
  
Toni nodded. "Just like that."  
  
Jeremy glanced over at Elaine who smiled at him. He looked away again quickly.  
  
"You mean she doesn't want to talk or anything first?"  
  
"There really isn't time for courtship" said Toni. "Don't worry, I've told her you're a first-timer. She'll be gentle."  
  
"Jeremy looked around. A few couples were starting to get 'hot and heavy' right there in the room. "Do we do it in here?" he asked dubiously.  
  
Toni smiled. "I've spared you that. You and Elaine can have one of the bedrooms to yourself."  
  
"Well that's something."  
  
"Except for Mrs Hardiman."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She wants to watch."  
  
Jeremy stared at her open-mouthed. "Er, Toni, I'm not sure that......."  
  
"Joke, Jeremy" she said with a grin.  
  
The relief on Jeremy's face was obvious but his look soon returned to one of panic when Toni said, "Ok, time to get those clothes off."  
  
"Can't I take them off in the bedroom?"  
  
Toni gave him a stern look. "C'mon Jeremy, at least meet us half-way."  
  
Jeremy downed the rest of his drink in one go and handed her the glass. "Get me another would you? I've a feeling I'm going to need it."  
  
As she departed to fetch his drink, Jeremy began to remove his clothes. He started with his shoes, desperately trying to delay nakedness for as long as possible. "Things were never like this with Natalie" he murmured. He was dimly aware of the doorbell ringing, but it wasn't his house so he ignored it.  
  
Jeremy still had his shirt to remove when Toni returned with his drink. The shirt was quite long and covered everything that needed covering. "All of it" she said.  
  
He took the drink from her and downed it in one. Then he turned to face the wall and began to unbutton his shirt.  
  
Mrs Stone entered the room with the latecomers, a couple. "I think you know everyone" she said to them. "Oh, except for Toni's new man." She looked around. "Where is he." Then she caught sight of Jeremy, who had his back to her as he was discarding his shirt. "There he is. Jeremy!" she yelled.  
  
He turned.  
  
"I'd like you to meet...." began Mrs Stone, but she got no further.  
  
"Jeremy!" chorused the new arrivals.  
  
Jeremy fainted.  
  
"Here's your coffee Damien."  
  
Damien looked up. Kim was standing in the doorway holding a tray on which stood two cups. His mouth fell open.  
  
"Hot and sweet" she said.  
  
Damien's jaw moved up and down. "You're naked!" he spluttered eventually.  
  
Kim looked down at her self. "I thought it seemed a little chilly in here." She wandered over towards the couch, placed the tray on a table beside it, and sat down next to him. "So" she said. "What shall we talk about?"  
  
"You're naked!"  
  
"Yes, let's talk about that."  
  
"Why are you naked?"  
  
Kim shook her head. "The question is, why aren't you naked?"  
  
"Because I'd get arrested on the way home."  
  
"You're not going home."  
  
"I'm not?"  
  
"No. You're staying here with me."  
  
"I'm not sure that's a good idea Kim."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Think of your reputation."  
  
"That's exactly what I am thinking of. Do you know how embarrassing this is for me?"  
  
"Well put some clothes on then."  
  
"Being naked isn't embarrassing."  
  
"It would be for me."  
  
"Well it isn't for me. What's embarrassing is the fact that my nakedness has zero effect on the libido of the guy I'm dating."  
  
"It doesn't have zero effect" protested Damien. "I just have good self- control, libido-wise."  
  
Kim moved closer to him. "Well it's time to lose control Damien."  
  
"Is it?" He said, inching away.  
  
Kim grabbed hold of his shirt. "Yes."  
  
Damien gulped. "Ok. Er, in what way exactly?"  
  
Kim started unbuttoning his shirt. "In a headboard banging, annoy the neighbors, five times a night way."  
  
Damien looked at her. "Do you mean sex?"  
  
"Like you've never experienced."  
  
"I'd rather not."  
  
Kim stopped unbuttoning his shirt. "What!"  
  
"If you don't mind."  
  
"I do mind. Why don't you want to have sex?"  
  
"I like to wait a little."  
  
"We've waited."  
  
"I like to wait a little longer."  
  
"I'm tired of waiting!"  
  
"I thought it was romantic."  
  
"You want to be romantic? Buy me flowers."  
  
"Sex isn't everything."  
  
"With you it's nothing." Kim ripped his shirt open and launched her lips towards his.  
  
Damien dodged her lips and extracted himself from her grasp. He stood up. "I think I'd better leave."  
  
"No."  
  
"Yes." He picked up his jacket and headed for the door.  
  
Kim leapt up and ran to place herself between him and the exit. "You're not going anywhere buster."  
  
"Kim, please get out of the way."  
  
Kim just shook her head.  
  
"I'll just have to go through you then" he said warningly.  
  
Kim smiled. "Try it."  
  
Damien stepped forward .  
  
"Yaaaarrrrggghh!", yelled Kim as she hurled herself at him.  
  
THE NEXT, NEXT DAY  
  
"Hi Dan" said Natalie as she exited the elevator to find him loitering in the corridor.  
  
"Hi Nat."  
  
"What are you doing lurking around out here?"  
  
"Waiting for you."  
  
"Well here I am" she said breezing past him towards the door. She placed her hand on it to push it open.  
  
"I'm not sure you want to go in there" he said.  
  
Natalie frowned. "Why not?"  
  
"You might not make it to your desk alive."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"People are after your blood."  
  
"They are? What did I do?"  
  
Dan shrugged. "Details are a little sketchy. But you remember all that advice you were dispensing?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well it seems like some of it might not have worked out quite how you planned."  
  
"Are you saying some of my advice backfired?"  
  
Dan nodded. "Pretty much all of it in fact."  
  
"Exactly how badly did it go wrong?"  
  
Dan thought for a second. "You know how Wile E Coyote always comes up with these really complicated plans to catch the Roadrunner, but always ends up with a big rock on his head?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well his plans are award-winning successes compared to yours."  
  
Natalie laughed. "C'mon Dan, it can't be that bad."  
  
"You want a summary?"  
  
"Lay it on me."  
  
Dan took a deep breath. "Ok, well for starters Kim's been arrested."  
  
"Arrested!"  
  
Dan nodded. "Her Dad had to go and bail her out."  
  
"What does that have to do with me?"  
  
"She didn't say. But she was throwing darts at your picture."  
  
Natalie made a face. "What was the charge?"  
  
"Sexual assault."  
  
Natalie thought about that. "Oh."  
  
"Then there's Isaac's bad back."  
  
Natalie looked blank. "What bad back?"  
  
"The one he woke up with."  
  
"That's my fault?"  
  
"Apparently. Something about the mattress in the spare room being too soft."  
  
Natalie winced. "Go on."  
  
"Elliot's nursing a black eye and a couple of cracked ribs that he seems to be blaming on you." He paused. "Then there's Jeremy."  
  
"What about Jeremy?"  
  
"He's being very cagey but it sounds like he joined some club and there was this party."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Only he didn't know his parents were members of the club."  
  
Natalie opened her eyes wide. "His parents?"  
  
Dan nodded. "Yeah."  
  
"His mom and dad?"  
  
"I'm guessing so."  
  
"Oh my God."  
  
"It's funny really" said Dan, "you'd think Jeremy would be pleased they were back together."  
  
"You'd think wouldn't you?"  
  
"Yet he seemed to think them being in the club was embarrassing."  
  
"You don't say."  
  
"But he wouldn't tell me what the club was."  
  
"I bet he wouldn't."  
  
Dan looked at her. "What was it?"  
  
"It was a, er, dancing club" said Natalie thinking quickly. "The Lambada."  
  
Dan nodded. "It's always embarrassing when your parents try to dance."  
  
Natalie looked at him hopefully. "Is that it?"  
  
"Not quite. There's Dana and Casey."  
  
"What about them?"  
  
"Well I don't know what you said to them but they're both giving me some very funny looks."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah. I thought Casey was going to hit me."  
  
This surprised Natalie, she didn't quite see how her advice could have caused that situation. "That's not like him."  
  
"That's what I thought."  
  
"And Dana?"  
  
"I thought she was going to kiss me." He grinned. "Although I guess that's more understandable."  
  
"If you say so Dan." A thought struck her. "What about Sally?"  
  
"Sally won't be in for hours yet."  
  
"I know, but I gave her some advice too and I wondered if.....anything...." she trailed off.  
  
"You gave advice to Sally?"  
  
"Some."  
  
"What about?"  
  
"Er....nothing much. Did she say anything?"  
  
"Well, she was a little weird, but I don't think that's anything to do with you."  
  
"No?"  
  
He shook his head. "No. I think she just has image problems, I put her onto Abbey."  
  
Natalie blinked. "Okaaaay."  
  
"Anyway" said Dan, "Sally aside, it's probably not a good idea for you to go in there."  
  
Natalie snorted. "Yeah right."  
  
"I mean it."  
  
"Don't be so dramatic Dan. I'll just go in there and explain to everybody how all their misfortune is not, in fact, my fault, but is, in even more fact, theirs."  
  
"I'm not sure that's what they want to hear right now Natalie."  
  
She shrugged. "Sometimes the truth hurts." She pushed open the door and went inside. Then she stopped. She saw all her colleagues, apparently working. But they all managed to be working within twenty feet of her desk. Dana and Casey avoided looking at each other. Jeremy was writing what looked like a very hard letter to write. Elliot was stomping around with a dark scowl on his face, and was sporting the biggest and blackest black-eye she had ever seen. And Kim gave a victory yell as she speared a dart directly in the photographic Natalie's left eye. Natalie slowly backed out of the door.  
  
"Back so soon?" said Dan who had been waiting for her return. "Did you tell them it was all their fault?"  
  
"It didn't seem the right time" said Natalie.  
  
"No?"  
  
"No. The atmosphere was a little tense.".  
  
Dan nodded.  
  
"I think I better make myself scarce" said Natalie, "until things cool down." She hit the button to call the elevator.  
  
"That might be a good idea."  
  
"Yeah. I'm sure they'll come to see that none of this is my fault. In time."  
  
"Eventually" agreed Dan.  
  
"Tell Dana I called in sick or something." The elevator arrived.  
  
"I'll do that."  
  
"Great. See you tomorrow Dan." She entered the elevator.  
  
"Natalie, wait up."  
  
She pressed the hold button. "What?"  
  
"Don't you want to hear how your advice to me went?"  
  
"Somehow I doubt it."  
  
"I did just like you said. I have air tickets to Vermont and I've rented a cabin...."  
  
"Dan" she interrupted, "Vermont was my ideal romantic weekend. You have to take this girl where she wants to go." She shook her head. "I guess that advice screwed up too. See ya Dan." She released the doors..  
  
"There are moose" said Dan. But the elevator doors had already closed.  
  
The End 


End file.
